I asked my mom the other day ‘do you still believe everything happens for a reason?”. She hesitated as the question came out of the blue. I asked again, ‘do you think my endo is happening for a reason?’ and like every optimistic mother would say she replied “I think its a blip. I hurdle.”. I savoured those words for as long as i could and as soon as I had a good day I went out and tried to be as normal as possible. It lasted three whole hours. I had a beer, a burger, all the things I shouldnt. I lived it up.
But as luck would have it the diarrhea kicked in and the pain was endless. I walked home as quickly as I could. Yes I should not have had the beer or the burger but I wanted to be my old self. And thats when I realized, nobody can predict if this is a blip. This is the new me and I need to create a new norm. No more trying to be my old body with my old habits. This cant be a binge and purge life. I need to set new standards and new boundaries. And thats ok. Because the pendulum wont swing so far from good days to bad days. Maybe that way, when I have good days and I try to go back to the ‘good days’ me it wont be so far off from the ‘bad days’ me.
Utterly frustrated and trying to be optimistic.